HomeForumMembersMusicBlogsInvite
  #1  
Old 03-26-2008, 06:46 PM
IdolMe's Avatar
IdolMe IdolMe is offline
The Big Kahuna
Favorite Artist: Default
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: IdolMe Boards
Posts: 2,016
Blog Entries: 3
Default Nasty Sex Jokes

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.


Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!


Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.


Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.


Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.



Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'



Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.



Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

__________________
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook



  #2  
Old 04-02-2008, 11:51 PM
Son of Simon's Avatar
Son of Simon Son of Simon is offline
Judge
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 916
Blog Entries: 2
Default

HAHAHAHA!

That's awesome.

-SoS
__________________
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #3  
Old 01-10-2009, 02:57 PM
Feisty Kitty's Avatar
Feisty Kitty Feisty Kitty is offline
Femme Fatale'
Favorite Artist: The Cure, Keane, The Flaming Lips, Portis Head, Dido, Sarah McLauchlan
Relationship Status: Married to, and completely in love with, Son of Simon
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Orange County, California
Posts: 2,426
Default

These are so damn funny!
__________________
"Though she be but little, she is fierce"
~William Shakespeare
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #4  
Old 01-10-2009, 03:00 PM
Feisty Kitty's Avatar
Feisty Kitty Feisty Kitty is offline
Femme Fatale'
Favorite Artist: The Cure, Keane, The Flaming Lips, Portis Head, Dido, Sarah McLauchlan
Relationship Status: Married to, and completely in love with, Son of Simon
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Orange County, California
Posts: 2,426
Default

Apparently, my cousin Brian made that blow job joke at his sister's wedding. He's all, Carrie is psyched to be married, because she's given her last blow job. I think SoS almost lost it! I friggin' love my family. We may not be classy, but we have sense of humor for days!
__________________
"Though she be but little, she is fierce"
~William Shakespeare
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #5  
Old 02-04-2009, 09:38 PM
Lancelot of Camelot Lancelot of Camelot is offline
AI Contestant Top 6
Favorite Artist: Loreena McKennitt and Larry Norman
Relationship Status: Single
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Saint Cloud, MN
Posts: 2,735
Default

I was walking in the slums one day and a hooker walked up to me and said "hey I'll give you a blow job for twenty dollars. I told her "Why would I pay you twenty dollars? My wife will do it for ten."
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #6  
Old 04-14-2009, 09:08 AM
laraine's Avatar
laraine laraine is offline
AI Contestant Top 12
Favorite Artist: Danny Gokey/TAYLOR HICKS / MeeDoo / Clay
MySpace Profile: larainep
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Essex, UK
Posts: 1,096
Send a message via MSN to laraine
Default

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong Sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk... The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. **

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #7  
Old 04-14-2009, 09:35 AM
Feisty Kitty's Avatar
Feisty Kitty Feisty Kitty is offline
Femme Fatale'
Favorite Artist: The Cure, Keane, The Flaming Lips, Portis Head, Dido, Sarah McLauchlan
Relationship Status: Married to, and completely in love with, Son of Simon
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Orange County, California
Posts: 2,426
Default

MEEEOOW!!! That joke is hilarious! I have to tell it next time I am in unpleasant company, for giggles and strange reactions......and more giggles!
__________________
"Though she be but little, she is fierce"
~William Shakespeare
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #8  
Old 04-14-2009, 09:46 AM
MusicLover's Avatar
MusicLover MusicLover is offline
Judge
Favorite Artist: Shinedown, Lifehouse, The Fray, Eminem, Lady Antebellum, too many more to list!
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: South Carolina, USA
Posts: 1,993
Default

The variation that I heard of that joke:

"And what seems to be the problem with your ear, Sir?"

"It won't get hard!"

__________________
~Ashley, SC, USA~
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #9  
Old 04-14-2009, 10:15 AM
MusicLover's Avatar
MusicLover MusicLover is offline
Judge
Favorite Artist: Shinedown, Lifehouse, The Fray, Eminem, Lady Antebellum, too many more to list!
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: South Carolina, USA
Posts: 1,993
Default

The absolute NASTIEST sex joke I ever heard?
(Consider yourself warned if you have a weak stomach!) Here goes:

A man was going on vacation in Cancun, Mexico. His friend told him, "Dude, when you get there, you'll get lots of p*ssy. But I promise you, you won't find any better than Allie! So when you get there, ask around about her and make sure you get some of that before you come home!"

So the man gets to Mexico and starts asking about where he can find Allie. He finally sets up a meeting with her, and they work out a deal.

He meets her later that night, and is stunned at her exotic beauty. She's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen! They start fooling around and things get hot and heavy. They start going at it, and he exclaims, "Ouch, that's rough! It feels like sandpaper!" So Allie gets up, goes to the restroom for a minute, and comes back. This time, it's absolutely amazing.

As they lay tangled and sweaty, he breathlessly asks her, "So what did you do in the bathroom to make it feel so awesome?"

She slyly looks at him and replies, "Oh, it was nothing. I just had to go scrape the scabs off and let the pus run out."





(This is the "cleaned up" version, b/c the original version is way more graphic!)
__________________
~Ashley, SC, USA~
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
  #10  
Old 05-12-2009, 07:58 PM
Teddy G's Avatar
Teddy G Teddy G is offline
AI Contestant Top 12
Favorite Artist: MCA
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: A Town Called Malice
Posts: 1,269
Default Daddy Longlegs

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was...

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden" she said.
Reply With Quote Share with Facebook
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:44 AM.


Copyright 2005 - 2012 IdolMe.com
DVD Rentals - Music Artist - Naruto - Online Dating - Ringtones - American Idol Results - Intelliflix