Secret Surprise night on Idol.

This alone was enough reason to endure 38 minutes in the “Holiday Inn Lounge” from Hell.

We were given privy to such inside revelations as Blake’s alter ego, Jimmy Walker Blue, an inbred, toothless hillbilly that I imagine comes in quite handy during passionate moments of unbridled lovemaking. We can only pray that Blake sings as “Jimmy” in the semi-finals.

Speaking of the Beat-off Boy, he lead off tonight’s fiasco with a 311 tune that at the time I thought was sub par. Little did I realize that this kid would be the highlight of the night for A.I.’s “Scrotum Patrol”.

The kid is a decent singer, but the conundrum for me is much like a 10 year old waking up with “Morning Wood.” What do you do with it/him?

He has that Natural Born Disney Performer feel working overtime.

I hear Sugar Ray is looking for a new lead singer.

Up next Sanjaya. This was by far the most uncomfortable secret of the evening. San-San outed himself as a closeted “Hula Dancer.

He gleefully exclaimed that he liked to “Shake His Booty” Hawaiian Style. WTF!? Who was this information intended for? Unless he has future plans of becoming a Waikiki Prostitute, His Hula dancing should never be mentioned again.

OBTW, whatever it was that he sang, Bad. He most definitely will give Hatdance a run for the Vote For The Worst candidate. His singing tonight was roadkill bad.

But his hair looked Straight, shiny, full of body, and marvelous.

Earlier in the evening, before he performed, the Head was questioned by Lord Seacrest about his tearful slobbering of the previous week. He mentioned that it was Chris Richardson who first “Lost it” causing him to blubber in kind.

No reason was given for the tears, but I have a suspicion that it may have had something to do with their self realization of their lack of talent.

The secret Surprise from The Head was an admission that he was wearing a Fat Suit on the show, and in reality he was a thin person. Yeah, and I’m really a wooden legged ballet dancer.
The Head went on to slaughter Pearl Jams, Jeremy.
If this guy were a dog, he’d be put to sleep.

Chris Timberlake’s secret surprise had something to do with him being a small college fat football player. OK. His performance tonight had Clearasil smeared all over it.

He is Idol’s androgynous Preadolescence wet dream contestant. Young boys and girls everywhere will desire A.I.’s only metrosexual heart throb.

He sang some Australian’s country western singers song.

Next up, “The Brow“! AKA Jarrod Cotter. Mr. Brow’s surprise was that he had played division II college basketball. WOW! Imagine that, a tall Black man who actually played college basketball! Go figure. The actual secret he should have revealed was that there’s as much compacted hair in his eyebrows as the total amount of hair on the average mans head.

Mr. Brow sang “Stevie.”

Unfortunately he’s not Him.

Back-up singer Brandon Rogers revealed that he was a Classic pianist. that will help him out tremendously in the very near future. Especially after singing a bad, nerdy white version of Rare Earth’s “I just want to celebrate.”

Phil “I used to have Hair” Stacey closed the lid on this casket by singing something unrecognizable. He mopped up the night with a performance as a bald homeless guy. A singing bald homeless guy. A singing bald homeless guy that wore Bing Crosby’s golf hat.

Dear lord, who dresses this guy? Every week he comes out looking like he just got in from a three day drinking binge. Is it too much to ask for someone, anyone to put on a contemporary suit? Or real slacks with a tie and dress shirt?

It was just brought to my attention that I forgot to mention Sligh’s contribution to the the evenings festivities. Chris was brilliant as usual. With that single performance, Chris made possible a scientific cure for Lou Gehrig’s disease, showed how to turn iron into gold, and explain how model ships get into those bottles. Sorry Hon.

Overall the night was just sad.

Honestly, it’s embarrassing that these “Boys” are as untalented as they are.

Francis L.